Introduction: So I'm not sure as to what year it was when I had this chat with myself (probably around 16-18). I thought I'd share it just as something that other readers that age might identify with and perhaps come away with something better when thinking about themselves. I also recommend this process of self exploration as it is recommended by professionals.
So...
How are you?
I am depressed.
Whats up?
Well I guess its that I
can't get along with the majority of you.
Why?
Well... I guess that I
don't fit in with any of you.
Why?
Well several issues I am
very concerned about.
What?
Well the sides of the
issues I am concerned about conflict, I really feel like I have no
allies or people I can relate to. I have to be a fake in order to
preserve the friendships I have and hide what I am so passionate
about.
Why are you so sure you
cannot be yourself?
Because that leaves me
open to attack and ridicule which I have been enduring and for the
majority of my time here, trying to avoid.
Why do you breed such
conflict?
Well like I said its what
I am passionate about. Its made me somewhat anti-social, I rarely
talk to anyone I know, even avoid talking to some. I haven't talked
to friends that I made from high school in a long time, they were
good friends for the most part but because we cannot see eye to eye I
see no practicality in our friendships.
How are they so different
from you?
Well, in a certain
perspective we are very much the same in opposites. You understand?
For example I have a few redneck friends and a few evangelical
friends, I seldom bring up issues that would cause conflict but I
feel its my duty as a human being to do as such, but I don't, so now
I avoid them.
So stop avoiding them.
Well I can't really do
that, they don't even live on the same coast I do.
Why not call them?
And what am I going to
say? Its not like my life is all that interesting and calling just to
say, "Hi." just seems idiotic.
Its not idiotic.
Yes you are right. It
preserves relationships, but every conversation is the same: "Hey
man. Haven't talked to you in a while. So you working? Hows college?
New girlfriend? Seen anyone from H.S.? Any new games? Seen any
movies? Ya I don't know when I'll be visiting again. Alright peace."
So it might preserve a relationship but nothing substantial is
accomplished.
I see. Why don't you make
new friends?
Well use the previous
answers as reference to why, also, I think my personality is fucked
up.
Well you are a bit of a
negative nelly.
Ha ha ha. Yes but thats
not who I try to be. I am not like some fucking fagot emo or a goth.
I don't try to project negativity onto other people, I don't bring up
subjects that would lead to my persecution, I try to be as positive
as I can and be that smiley face zombie that society wants you to be.
Some how they see something though that I am not aware of, I carry
myself differently somehow and they mark me in their cross hairs for
destruction. Its been this way since I moved out of California, since
the 5th grade, endless boundless ridicule and hate and its not like I
am that different from other males, I love women, loud music, danger,
and adventure, I think I am fairly good looking so as for being
targeted because of my looks I think is on the bottom of list as
reasons for people hating me.
You mention that you love
women, have you had much success there?
Well, no, its completely
my fault, I make too many mistakes.
What do you mean?
Well before I drew back
into my shell, I tried to be more expressive and aggressive as I
could be for someone coming out of their shell. Say, for example, a
turtle poking its head out to investigate its environment for the
first time in 10 years. I was (and still am) very awkward. I came
across as a wierdo, stalker type, I never followed the girls that I
was interested around or constantly write them love notes or try to
talk to them, however, I did try a couple of times to conveniently be
placed in predicaments where we would be together, somewhere on the
scale of "accidentally bumping into each other or trying to get
a dance, or some school related event.
Sounds innocent.
Ya but for someone like me
at the time who wasn't at all popular and was associated with social
defectors its wasn't.
What about now?
Well I practically fear
society.
How so?
Well with how I have been
treated throughout my life it shouldn't be a surprise that I shy
away. I want to be with people so much, but I am afraid of them just
as much. I can't make eye contact with a girl. I can look at her, but
once we make eye contact it triggers the thought that "Great...
she must think I am just a pervert checking her out." or "God
guy take a picture, freak." "Why is this ugly guy looking
at me?" no positive thoughts ever come out, its especially
awkward in confined areas like subway trains to see a beautiful girl
sit across from you and have to avoid making eye contact as much as
possible. I do really think women, for the most part are above me,
some unattainable treasure or something. I really have tried to move
past my fears but its incredibly difficult and I hate myself for it.
You know that lots of
women feel the same way.
Yes, but its a mind block
in hand with past experiences, bad experiences, and its not like you
can just look at someone and go, "They feel the same way I do,
she should be totally be approachable." I mean they say it all
the time in magazines and shit, "Guys, are so afraid to even
talk to me. Come on just say, hi." or "I just want a
confident guy." well I am definitely not confident, so I must be
out of the picture. frankly I think I have been brainwashed,
beautiful women are unattainable because they deserve someone better
looking, I honestly believe it too sometimes, I'll just look at a
woman and say to myself that I am just not good enough, I don't
deserve someone like that. I mean I have had the rare occasions that
I was approached by the opposite sex who would have loved to date me
but they were all fat and ugly! What that tells me is I am on their
level, that I am fat and ugly. I am not trying to be shallow but I
just believe you should get what you put out sometimes. I work to
stay in shape so I want to meet someone who does the same, not
someone who eats at McDonald's or doesn't know when to hold off on
the buffet. Their were also on the rarest of occasions that I was
approached by very attractive females, one that even talked to me for
quite some time in store, and even though I felt comfortable and
connected, I never asked for her number. I kick myself all the time
for shit like that. Right now my brain is just stuck on the idea that
she deserves someone better, a guy who has better hair or rippling
abs. So ya I guess you can say that I have been brainwashed into the
exterior attraction, but that is where I say on a partial level that
you are wrong. I want to meet a woman who thinks, there is no way I
could have a relationship with the little bitches that they have on
shows on MTV, but there is nothing wrong with attraction to exterior
beauty. I mean all these stupid people saying that its wrong, its
just ridicules, you can be beautiful and intellectual, its just that
celebrities like Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan, and Jessica Simpson
have brought beauty into being a target because of their huge acts of
stupidity. Frankly I think the Hilton sisters are fucking ugly and
need to be shot but thats just me.
Wow. Thats a lot to
digest. I see your point though. So you said you fear society, but is
it just women?
No, men too. There is like
a new era of homophobia where anything involving another man can be
construed to being homosexual, also the way a person acts, so I am
constantly thinking way to much about shit I shouldn't have to. The
way I walk, look at somebody, or dress, always concerned it could be
construed to something gay, sometimes I'll over think the situation
and give people the wrong ideas, that I am thought of as less than a
man even. So I am concerned with how other men view me, I mean I
haven't had a female relationship since junior year of high school
and during my freshman year of high school, some of the chicks I was
interested in, turned out they thought I was gay and thats why they
liked hanging out with me when I thought they were interested, I even
had a girlfriend at the time! And I am not really aggressive with
approaching women so even some ex-friends of mine were suspicious of
my sexuality especially since I had little history of relationships
with women, no pictures or stories to tell. I don't keep any mass
collection of porn, I don't openly gawk at women who are scantily
clad like the other guys who might be with me, they just say "Who
cares." and they're right. I mean I don't know that person and
probably won't see them again but I just feel bad about it and I
shouldn't, there really isn't anything wrong with looking. My dad is
the same way, he will be like "Hey look at her!" and I am
its not like I didn't or I don't, for some reason it just has to be
obvious, and I mean a lot of guys including my dad will just be so
loud about it like they want them to hear. Anyway, bottom line is
that I love women but I am afraid to act on responses that are
natural.
Well this has been quite
in depth...
No not really.
Ah, well you have opened
my eyes at least.
So are we going to stop
the interview here?
Yes, this really has taken
a lot of energy I am sure.
Well, I did just drink a
Sobe eSSential energy drink, but I am starting to get jumbled with my
thoughts so I guess it is time to call this one to an end. I do feel
a bit better now though.
Glad to hear.
Ya but likely it will only
last a few minutes.
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